The One Where We Got Left Behind

 The best part about college friends is that you dream of them. You dream of the friendships you will have, the time you will spend, the fights you might have. You come to college with the hopes of finding these people. And they do say the friends you make in college will have the friends you spend your life with. 

Maybe it’s the prospect that you are going through that adulting phase together. You are around each other most of the time, everyone is trying to figure their shit out. You are in that shit together. It’s so beautiful that you have people to share your immediate feelings with.

College friends are the people who you are the most vulnerable around. Some just don’t show it or have different ways to show that vulnerability. People like me, we don’t show that vulnerable side of ours often. We have been hurt by ‘friends’ way too many times to count. But if we do showcase you an intimate side of ours, it means we want you around forever. 

And when you realise that some of the people you opened up to and hoped from the deepest softest bottom of your heart, that they’ll stay forever, start to push you away…. Man it hurts and it hurts worse than any heartbreak caused from a romantic relationship. It hurts because you know the signs are very subtle. Initially it starts with them complaining how busy they are and you go like ‘oh well, let’s give them some space so that they can have some me time’ THEN you see it, the snaps and posts. They are all there, all of ‘your people’ and guess who’s missing? Oh yesss, it’s you. ‘Well, maybe it was a spur- of the moment plan’ you think and let it go. You hurt but it’s okay… because things like these tend to happen when it’s a huge group. But what if you are the only one being left out over and over and over again. What if you wanna scream at them ‘DID YOU FORGET ME?? AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU ANYMORE??’ 

But you don’t, why? Because you are still hoping for them to realise that they’re leaving you behind. At this point, you have been pushing away the rest of the friends that you have and are too invested in that hurt to notice that you’re pushing others away as well. 

But oh well, you keep on dwelling if you are not interesting enough to be anyone’s friend. I mean all of them are going to leave you at some point pathetic bitch, same scene in school same scene now, dreams of the ‘perfect college friends’ are well in the dust by now. But anyway, obviously YOU are the problem dumbass, everyone will leave you eventually, you aren’t interesting enough. No body likes you, you’re too annoying and clingy…. FUCK, was it because I got too clingy? 

The worse part is when you were the one who introduced some people to that group and now they all are collectively leaving you out. You are still giving them a leeway, maybe it’s not intentional. But man it hurts, my heart is ripping apart…. Why the hell can’t you guys see that?! Why did you stop inviting me to places??! What about that trip? You knew how much I wanted to go…Why was I never asked to it?! Why? Why? Why? I know I am annoying as fuck and I know I get clingy but damn, this is how you ignore me?!! The only time you guys talk to me now is when you want something or if you want to rant. I know I said my shoulder will be there for you always but damn am I wrong for wanting your attention??! 

How pathetic am I?!! I am crying over this??!! I shouldn’t even be hurt over this, I have friends who actively make plans with me and who actually crave my company. But… you guys have made me fear that they’ll go too, just like you did. I came here with the hopes of finding real friends who want me around but fuck man you just gave me more trauma. Why can’t I tell you to your face that guys you are leaving me out? I hate that you’re having fun without me…. I want to be included with you all so bad but I don’t want to appear pathetic. 

Thank you for giving me school flashbacks. I’m not going to hold you responsible though. I’m at fault here. I can’t stand in front of you guys and yell at you to include me, I don’t have those guts. Everytime I see even one of you, I feel like asking you, but I never will. Because I want to enjoy whatever time I have with you.

I am stupid you know. I made you meet my other friends. I talked about you to others so happily and the way I was convinced you will always be there. How dumb of me. 

God I feel so pathetic. I have friends who want to hangout with me, who are ready to listen to me but all I want is more time with you. It hurts especially more when I know some of you will be going away in a few months YET you don’t seem to want to spend time with me…. I guess one year of friendship was more than enough for you to be tired with me huh? 

Look at how pathetic I am, crying over you guys and scrolling through photos at night while you all sleep peacefully. How pathetic am I to keep thinking about it over and over when I should just move on. It’s fine, I will get over it. It’s not like any of you will be bothered enough to read it. 

Whatever it is, you know anyway that I can’t see anyone in pain no matter how much they hurt me. So yeah, I guess I’ll talk to you next time when you want to cry about your ex or your current one because you can’t remember me otherwise. I hate it so much but I can’t do anything about it but it’s okay, I’ll be okay.